Tales of Randomness
by LyallAurion
Summary: The screwedup version of the Regeneration journey. I'm not working on this anymore.
1. Chapter 1: Fleeing to the Martel Temple

(Authoress Note)

Lyall: This is a humor/parody that my brother and I wrote. This story will be very random at times, and everyone will have only 10 percent sanity in this story at worst. I will be RPGing as Lyall, Kratos's sister, and my brother will be Icion, a hyperactive freak who guzzles gallons of sugar on a daily basis, and Drake, a half-dragon kid. Icion is derived from Ixion, from Greek myth. Icion is the only character with regenerative power. Icion, Drake, and Lyall will not be here for the first half. They may make short entrances, though. Anna and Virginia will be in the notes. There will be references to other places.

Icion: Today, I'm gonna crap on your mom.

Lloyd: WTF! (stabs Icion) GET AWAY FROM MY MOM!

Anna: (bangs pole on Icion's head)

Virginia: (hits Icion's head with thorny rod)

Genis: (casts Prism Sword)

Raine: (casts Holy Lance)

Icion: Duhhh, I'm still alive...urk...(falls on floor, unconscious) (twitching)

Sheena: Phew.

Icion: (regenerates and is back to normal)

Lyall: Hey, Icion, eat this. (hands Icion very deformed and moldy bread)

Icion: Oh boy, a delicious and pulsing morsel. (eats the bread) (gets measles and cancer) Uh, I feel funny. (giggling)

Lloyd: You should, Icion, you should.

Kratos: ...Tell me again, why is Icion here...?

Anna: I dunno. I'm supposed to be DEAD. Grr, why can't I have a better role in this game AND story...? (crying)

Kratos: (comforting Anna)

Mithos: I think this part of the script should be revised. (pointing to game script) I mean, why do I need a SISTER? I HAVE a house, with six ten-foot letters nailed to my roof saying "FEMBOY". And in small letters, "Lives here. Do not disturb". They are in neon lights. NEON!

Drake: Mithos? Martel's over there with those eyes that look like yours when she holds Yuan's hand.

Mithos: Riiiight...bleh.

Icion: (holding bottle that has a label saying "For Mithos" and is empty) Uh, hi.

Mithos: Hey, that looks like the fruit punch you gave me.

Everyone but Icion: ...You are kidding me...

Martel: (looks angrily at Icion and beats the shit out of him)

Yuan: Now, now Martel, you can't beat him up like this. You need this thing called a Buso Renkin I found in the dumpster. (hands Martel a Buso Renkin)

Martel: Aww, and I was gonna use this reverse blade sword...

Yuan: Fine, how about the Samehada?

Martel: Okies! (throws reverse blade sword behind her and starts hacking at Icion with Samehada and Buso Renkin).

Mithos: Wow, Martel! I never knew that you could use two swords like THAT!

Lyall: OK, this is getting too long...DRAKE! DISCLAIMER!

Drake: LyallAurion does not own Tales of Symphonia, its characters, plot, and all that stuff. All of that stuff belongs to Namco and Namco's Tales Studio Ltd. or whatever it was called. Like I really care.

(end Authoress Note)

---''---

"LLOYD IRVING, WAKE UP OR I WILL GIVE YOU ANOTHER MISCONDUCT TO ADD TO YOUR GROUP OF TWELVE! WAKE UP, MORON!" Raine screamed angrily. She killed a random bird and threw it at Lloyd.

"GACK!" Lloyd choked. He was yawning, but the bird got thrown in his mouth. Lloyd was now running in circles and threw the dead bird out the window. It landed on Colette's house's roof.

"Um, I haven't cleaned the roof, so who knows what magical artifa--" Colette started, but Genis threw his shoe in her mouth.

"RAINE'S HERE, YOU BITCH! STOP MOUTHING OFF ABOUT THAT KINDA STUFF!" Genis yelled with fury.

All of a sudden, a bright light, accompanied by a siren, appeared. Phaidra was riding a tricycle ringing a cow bell and playing the recorder extremely badly around town, while saying, "IT'S THE ORACLE! IT'S THE ORACLE!" in that old and scratchy voice of hers.

"AAAAHH! IT'S THE HORRIBLE BITCH AND HER BITCHY RECORDER AND BITCHY BELL! THE ONLY HAVEN IS THE MARTEL TEMPLE! KIDS, FOLLOW MEEEE!" Raine screeched at the top of her lungs. All of the kids and people in Iselia fled to the Martel Temple, screaming, and one guy ripped his ears off.

At this point, Phaidra scared all of Iselia to the Martel Temple, except the Mayor, who was saying, "What beautiful noise!" A second later, his brain exploded and he turned to mush. Yay!

Phaidra was now pedaling at top speed and accidentally ran into a bench. She got flown off her tricycle, and landed on top of Colette's house, on the roof. The dead bird, mentioned earlier, morphed into a homunculus and stared menacingly at Phaidra.

"Oh, stupid Colette, you're already back!" Phaidra said stupidly to the stupidly mutated bird, and stupidly walked toward it. Now you see where Colette got her stupidness stupidly.

The mutated bird picked up Phaidra by her neck with its bony beak, and then threw her into a nest. The bird then gave birth to maggoty babies, who were maggotily shaped like maggots.

At the Martel Temple, everyone heard a noise that was a cross between a scream and a gurgle.

"Phaidra got eaten by maggoty maggots," Lloyd said smartly.

Everyone clapped for one of Lloyd's rare smart moments.

All of a sudden, a man with a goatee and white robe appeared out of nowhere. He gruffly said, "OK, where are the Twinkies, man?" Everyone got question marks above their heads. Colette was playing with one of her question marks and dressing it in a dress.

"Uh, Twinkies?" Genis asked.

"Yes, Twinkies, LITTLE MAN. Rule one: Always give me, Botta, Twinkies whenever we meet! And secondly, always remember that Mithos is a FEMBOY! PEACE!"

"Eww, you sound like a retarded hippie," a random person said. He soon regretted that comment. Botta blasted his head off by strangling him to death with Scotch tape.

"Anyone else?"

Everyone just backed off.

Botta turned to his men. "My fellow homies, we shall capture the Chosen and give her to Komiyan the Third! Then she will be turned into shit with those cows from last week in the cheese grater!"

All of the men cheered and said lame, cliched, and out-of-date phrases.

Colette broke down. "NOOOOOOO, I HATE KOMIYAN! HE'S GAY!"

Yuan's little blue head popped out of the Martel Temple's door. "OK, Botta, Kratos and I are done telling Rem--HUH!" Yuan stared at all of the Iselian people here. "Botta, why the hell are they here? We just needed Co--uh, the Chosen and L-uh, that brown-haired dude."

Kratos's head popped out, too. "Yuan, stop wasting time, or I'll tie you down and force you to read femboy magazines, like last time."

"Ulp! Uh...," Yuan and Kratos warped elsewhere, Kratos being somewhere nearby, hiding in bushes. Yuan was probably at the beach, tormenting a certain red-head that wears pink...

Suddenly, Raine bitch-slapped everyone, trying to get inside the temple. Everyone but Botta was slapped and lost their memory of the last five minutes, which happened to be very crucial information to their journey.

Everyone regained their senses. Botta was pointing a bazooka at a random group of people. "OK, whoever doesn't have a Twinkie will get blasted." Luckily, Lloyd, Colette, and Genis stole other people's Twinkies. Everyone but those three got blasted.

Raine then randomly appeared and bitch-slapped Lloyd, Genis, and Colette, making them lose memory of what just happened, and ran back inside.

"Uh, anyway, I have to go places later, so you, fat dude, kill these chumps," Botta ordered. A henchman started whispering to Botta. Botta cursed. "Damn, the fat guy died of diabetes. Fine, bring out the Grunty!" A Grunty appeared.

"Uh, we kill this thing?" Lloyd said, pointing one of his swords towards the puny Grunty, who was currently snacking on a leaf.

"Yeah. See you later at this ranch place or something," Botta said and warped away.

"Noo, it's too cute...," Colette said and started crying.

Hotaru came rushing in. "No! Please don't kill my Grunty! That man stole my Grunty while saying 'Peace!' a lot like a hippie!"

Lloyd, Colette, and Genis got sweatdrops. Genis nearly drowned in his sweatdrops, which turned to Slimes. They ran inside the temple, gurgling. Hotaru took the Grunty and ran off into a Chaos Gate. Shugo and Rena were waiting.

"C'mon, Hotaru, Ouka and Mirelle are waiting!" Shugo said impatiently.

"Sorry!"

The Chaos Gate disappeared.

"Ookay...," Lloyd said, confused. "Well, let's go, I guess."

Just then, Kratos appeared with his sword out. He then got question marks over his head. "...Where are Vidarr and Botta?"

"Uh, if you mean the fat guy, he died of diabetes. The Botta person disappeared," Genis said intellectually.

"Oh, I'm reporting Botta to Yuan..."

"What did you say?" Genis asked.

"Nothing. As of now, I'd like to help the Chosen."

Frank fell from the sky. He was obviously shot out of a cannon. He came out holding a Fire Flower. "Colette! Are you okay? Oh yeah, Mr. Purple Guy, I'll pay you 99999999999999999999 million Gald to protect Colette and her freaky friends! Here's a freaky flower that a fat, Italian plumber and this pink lady with mushroomy shortstops gave me!" Frank handed over the Gald and Fire Flower.

"Um, Daddy, this is Grandma's life insurance."

"Yeah. She got eaten by maggots."

"Okies! Yay, no more horrid recorder!" Colette then started dancing, but tripped over a cucumber and landed in dirt.

Kratos took the Gald and stuffed it into a money bag. Lloyd eyed the money greedily.

"...Fine." Kratos gave Lloyd one million Gald. Lloyd then started dancing to "Temperature", then was playing Dance Dance Revolution. The three kids partyed for a while, then Kratos then lured Lloyd, Colette, and Genis inside the temple with bacon and cookies.

---''---

Lyall: Well, that's the end.

Lloyd: I get money! Yay! HA!

Anna: And I get to share the money Kratos got! Riiight?

Kratos: ...Um, yes... (kinda weirded out about the story)

Frank: ...This is weird.

Colette: Yep.

Naruto: Hey, have you seen a girl with pink hair and a red dress?

Sheena: I have the opposite. (hands over Zelos)

Zelos: Hey! Sheeeena, you're sooooooo meeeeeeean...

Naruto: Uhh, riiiight...SAKURA! WHERE ARE YOU! (runs off)

Sasuke: NARUTO, YOU IDIOT! KAKASHI-SENSEI ALREADY FOUND SAKURA! (drags Naruto away)

Lloyd: I hate the weirdness. There's too much.

Kratos: Yes, Lloyd, we all do. And yes, there is too much randomness.

Drake: Ahem, OK, this is the end of Chapter One, for those who can't read. For the stupid people, the one is a 1, not a "wun". Icion reminded me of this.

Icion: You mean a wun?

Virginia: Come, Raine, Genis. You'll get stupid.

Raine: Yes, Mother.

Genis: Coming! Lloyd, you come too. I don't want you getting stupider than you already are.

Lloyd: What's that supposed to mean! And no, I'm staying here.

Lyall: Oh yeah, review and whatever. No flames or I will throw the mutant bird mentioned earlier at you.

Mutant bird: SQUACK!

Noishe: (headbutts bird off of cliff)

Everyone: ...

Lyall: OK, since I can't use the bird...OK, if anyone puts a flame, I will throw Kratos at you and make him kill you.

Kratos: ...I'll pass.

Lyall: ...Fine, I'll use Lloyd and this cannon.

Lloyd: WOOT! I GET SHOT OUT OF A CANNON! WOOT! (gets in cannon)

Anna: Fine, but don't get yourself killed.

Lloyd: YEAH!

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

Presea: Anyone who has a kind review will get cake.

Mithos: Ooooooh, cake...

Kratos: Yuan's making out with Marte--

Mithos: (beats the shit out of Yuan)

Yuan: What did I do...? (falls unconscious)

Martel: (knocks out Mithos) Hmph!


	2. Chapter 2: Temple of Twinkies

(Authoress Note)

Lyall: I hope the last chapter didn't drive you insane. My brother did the randomness.

Kratos: I did NOT do that.

LA: I meant my brother in REAL life. I'm also your sister in fanfiction life, as I created her. Nyahaha. Back to being Lyall.

Lloyd: I don't get it.

Icion: I don't get it, either.

Lyall: Lloyd, it's OK. Icion, you're just stupid.

Icion: Who are you calling stupid, PUNK?

Lloyd: Hahahaha! Finally, someone stupider than meee!

Zelos: I don't think that's possible.

Lloyd: Do you want to go to Niflheim early? (unsheaths swords)

Zelos: NOOOO, PRETTY BOYS DIE YOUNG! I TOLD YOU, SHEENA!

Sheena: You're not pretty, femboy.

Zelos: (crying in a corner)

Icion: Ooh, ooh, I know where Niflheim is! I live there. (:3)

Lyall: Yes you do, but the readers shouldn't know that. It's only for my other fanfiction, moron. Good grades my ass. Pff.

Icion: WHO CARES! IF I WANT TO SHARE PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT MYSELF, I CAN AND I WILL!

Everyone: (sweatdrops)

Icion: (guzzles gallons of sugar)

Kratos: Crap. EVERYONE, GET BEHIND THE FORCE FIELD!

Everyone: (behind force field)

Anna: What's happening?

Kratos: Just watch.

Icion: (starts glowing)

Sheena: Crap. Phase I.

Icion: (gets unlit bomb and puts it on head) (still glowing)

Genis: Oh no.

Icion: (screaming maniacally)

Drake: Phase II.

Zelos: God, that guy should get a personal doctor or something.

Drake: Tell me about it. (rolls eyes)

Lyall: OK, while we fend off the now (Icion explodes) mental Icion, please enjoy the second chapter.

Kratos: (calling Yuan) You two, Icion's gone crazy.

Yuan: Shit. Do I have to bring the tasers?

Kratos: Most likely. Just hope there's not another explosion.

Mithos: I'm gonna bring a crossbow, then.

Icion: (climbs electric pole)

Drake: We're moving on to the story because people shouldn't witness the coming event. LyallAurion does not own Tales of Symphonia. Namco does.

(end Authoress note)

---"---

Kratos and the group of turds entered the Martel Temple. Kratos asked Lloyd, "Lloyd, are your sword techniques self-taught?"

Lloyd responded, "Yeah. So what, punk? YOU TRYIN' TO MAKE SOMETHIN' OUTTA IT? COME ON, I CAN TAKE YOU ON! YOU DON'T SEEM SO STRONG! BRING IT!" Genis restrained Lloyd, whom was trying to slash at Kratos. It was a futile effort.

Kratos just stared weirdly at Lloyd. "Lloyd, looking at you right now reminds me of my childhood. There was a crazy kid who lived next door. He ended up in an asylum. Ahem, Lloyd, you may want to take this." Kratos handed Lloyd a book.

"WHAT THE HECK! GAY GUYS' GUIDE TO THE GALAXY?"

Kratos quickly took back the magazine. "Sorry, that was for Komiyan. Here." Kratos handed Lloyd the Training Manual.

"Are you calling me weak? I don't need this crap!" Lloyd threw the book on the floor and repeatedly stomped on it. He then threw it outside.

"AUGH, MY EYE! MY BLEEDING EYE!" A random pedestrian got hit and then bled to death. A Moogle came and handed the manual back to Lloyd.

"EWW, WHO NEEDS MANUALS?" Lloyd chucked the book outside yet again. This time, the book hit the Moogle and the Moogle got knocked unconscious.

"K-Kupo..." Poor Moogle. Kupo.

Anyway, Lloyd and the group approached the blue shiny force-field thingy.

"Ooh, that looks pretty AND dangerous! It also looks life-threatening! I'll hug it and name it Bob!" Colette exclaimed with enthusiasm and ran right into it.

(BZZAP)

Colette got shocked by 50,000 volts of power from "Bob". Colette fell unconscious. Genis kicked Colette down a flight of stairs. Colette then lay on the cold, damp, moldy floor that had ants all over it.

"Hey! We need the Chosen for the ritual!" Kratos screamed. "Lloyd, fetch that freak," Kratos then commanded.

"Fine," Lloyd grumbled and picked up Colette.

Now the group went to the part where they had to kill Golems and make a path to the box of holy Twink--erm, I mean the Sorcerer's Ring.

The four people saw a golem walking around. It noticed Lloyd and gang.

"Yo homies, if you want me to carry you fresh punks to the box of yellow food stuffs, give me a Twinkie."

Lloyd ripped out his hair (not literally). "WHAT THE FREAK IS WITH TWINKIES?"

"Hey, you aren't supposed to talk. It's not in the script," Genis said while pointing to his script, which randomly appeared.

The Golem responded, "Uhh, I can talk so I can communicate with dorks like you better."

Colette poked the Golem. "Why are you soft?"

"Erm, so you can't hurt me?"

Colette again asked another question. "Why do you have big hands?"

The Golem screamed, "SO I CAN POUND THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, BITCH!"

Kratos merely said, "Botta, stop trying to get free Twinkies."

The Golem a.k.a. Botta whined, "Aw, man...you guys aren't cool."

Then an actual Golem appeared. It picked up Botta and threw him into the endless chasm. Botta was screaming like a seven-year old girl.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Botta fell. And fell. And fell. And fell. And fell some more.

Unbeknownst to Lloyd and co., Yuan saved Botta from his demise.

"You dumbass. You're gonna die of diabetes, too, if you keep eating those horrid Twinkies."

"Meh."

Yuan slapped Botta and warped both of them away.

Meanwhile, Lloyd and the others did the puzzle-thing and reached the Sorcerer's Ring pedestal...

"WHAT THE HELL? A BOX OF TWINKIES?" Lloyd yelled.

Genis ate one. Lloyd just glared at him. Genis said, "But I'm hungry..."

"WE DON'T NEED YOU EATING, FATTY MCFATSO!" Colette yelled and kicked Genis. Genis started crying in a corner. Kratos dragged him back to the pedestal, but suffered some hits from Genis's kendama and a Lightning spell. Kratos then yelled at Genis.

"Um, so why are there Twinkies?" Colette asked.

Kratos shrugged. "Dunno. I think Re--erm, never mind. Let's just use that flower instead of the ring."

"Okies!"

"IN THE NAME OF MARTEL, STOP SAYING 'OKIES', BITCH! SAY IT ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL RIP OUT YOUR PHARNYX!" Kratos yelled at Colette. A moment of silence followed, in which Colette was crying.

Poor Colette. Not. Anyway, they took the box of holy Twinkies. Now Lloyd and group were at the altar. Blah blah blah.

A light appeared and a small ball of light slowly floated down. Remiel appeared. He had a lampshade on his head, the Sorcerer's Ring was on the top of his head, and he was holding a can of soda.

"Uh, yo, dudes. I'm, like, Remiel, the angel dude, who, like, is like supposed to throw parties and summon that tower that leads to Derris Kharlan, dudes. Now Chosen girl person dude, say your prayers or whatever you're supposed to do, dude," Remiel said and chugged some soda.

Colette said whatever she was supposed to say (if there was any lines...) and Remiel said more stuff about the Tower of Salvation, the journey, and the best tortilla chips to dip in salsa.

"Are you my real father?" Colette asked with hopeful eyes after Remiel was done yapping about stuff.

"Dude, I'm like, no. I'm just getting paid to say this cra--" Remiel started but Kratos shot him a glare and a finger-across-the-throat gesture.

"Erm, yeah, dude, I am your father and stuff. I was just kidding, OK, dude?" Remiel said while shaking in fear of Kratos.

"I hate you. Frank's better. You're gay," Colette said smartly.

Remiel started crying and disappeared in a flash of golden feathers.

"You made your father cry!" Genis exclaimed.

"I love seeing that guy cry. Heh," Kratos said evilly.

"1 10V3 5331NG GR0WN M3N W33P," Largo exclaimed while chugging booze. "It's almost as fun as feeling Erika..."

Erika then beat the shit out of Largo as Tifa did to that ugly dude in Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children for the DVD and PSP. Good times, good times...and that movie rocks.

"Well, he kinda beat me...hmph," Tifa said as she randomly appeared. Cloud dragged her and Sephiroth away on that nifty bike of his (which also stores his oh-too-cool sword that can split into multiple swords). Sephiroth was laughing at Remiel's stupidness.

"Hayasaka-san, Largo, we have to go find Ping and Miho," Piro said boredly.

"Fine. Lemme finish this booze," Largo said. He chugged it because Erika was cracking her knuckles for a second round. Then the three left as quickly as they came.

"...Uh, what do we do now?" Lloyd asked.

Suddenly, the Fire Flower spoke.

"Hey, gimme some water, freaks. I AM a flower, after all.

Genis jumped ten feet in the air. "YOU TALK!"

"Of course I do! No wonder your parents abandoned you! What kind of parents would want a bitchy son!" the Fire Flower said in a very mean tone.

Genis broke down sobbing and curled up into a feeble, little ball on the cold, menacing floor. Colette and Lloyd were having fun tying him up and taking turns using a baseball bat to hit him like a pinata. Genis cried even more than he was supposed to, according to the evil script.

"Chosen, we have to leave, or else Raine will beat the shit out of us. ...Well, mainly you," Kratos said. He and Colette left really quickly.

Lloyd untied Genis. "C'mon, Genis, or we'll get our shit beaten out, too."

(sniff) "Y-Yeah..."

Kratos and Colette managed to escape the horrid and monstrous Raine, but...let's say that Lloyd and Genis weren't so lucky...

When Lloyd and Genis were ALMOST to the exit, Raine ambushed them from a beam support and kicked them from midair. She then started her yelling rant. "ARE YOU TWO SKIPPING **MY** CLASS? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY WAYS I CAN ABUSE YOU? YOU ARE **ASKING** FOR A WHUPPING! I WILL FEED YOU TERMITES AND PILL BUGS!"

Lloyd and Genis were running in circles, begging the heavens for salvation and help. They started praying, but Raine took that as an insult.

"NOW YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY FOOD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?"

Kratos and Colette then heard shredding and screams of horror eminating from the Martel Temple.

"GACK!"

"AUGH! THE HORROR! THE PG-13 HORROR!"

"NOT THE ROUNDHOUSE KICK!"

"LEMME GOOOOO! MARTEL, HEEEEEEEEELP!"

"GET BACK HERE, SWINE!"

"NOT THE PILLOW! ANYTHING BUT THAAAAT!"

"NOOOO, NOT PIKACHUUU!"

"NOT FAIRY BOTTLE! THE CUTENESS IS TOO MUCH! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING! HELP, DAMNNIT!"

(ZAP)

(WHAM)

(SMACK)

(BOOM)

(POW)

(KABOOM)

(RIP)

(TEAR)

"Heheh," Kratos smirked.

"Oh no! Did Raine eat them?" Colette said in tears. "Not another pair of kids!"

"Erm, **another**?"

"Ah, nothing! Kratos, let's goooo...to my house!"

"...Mithos should give me a raise for doing this AND for putting up with **this** girl."

"Hm?"

"Nothing, Chosen. Let's be off."

"Okies!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID I SAY ABOUT USING THAT WORD?"

Lloyd and Genis crawled out of the temple half-dead. Their hair was messy and their clothes were torn. Genis had a black eye. They each sported bruises, cuts, and blood stains. They were too tired and speechless to talk, or even groan or whine. And Lloyd was known to whine and groan even when he was deprived of food and water for a week.

On the Martel Temple's path, Genis stumbled over the unconscious Moogle from earlier and got cut by grass.

"Owie..."

"Weenie."

"HEY!"

They managed to feebly crawl all the way to Iselia. All of the monsters thought they were going to croak sooner or later, so they didn't waste time killing them.

They were right.

Sort of.

---"---

Lyall: Whew. We're done with Icion's sugar rush issue. Sorry if that one was worse than the first. The topic isn't very...interesting; funny, you could say.

Lloyd: Hey, but Genis and I get mauled to death, practically! That's not fair!

Raine: It's not like I wanted to, you know.

Genis: I'm glad that actually didn't happen.

Kratos: You'll be even more glad that Icion won't be here for the note.

Colette: Yay!

Sheena: Woot!

Zelos: Oh yeah!

Drake: He WILL be back.

Lloyd: PARTY!

(everyone's partying except Raine, Kratos, Drake, and Lyall)

Lyall: ...I'll just hope that I don't get hit in the head with some candy. (sits down)

Kratos: I'm going. (leaves)

Raine: (reading a book)

Martel: OK, whoever reviews will get Twinkies I stole from Botta!

Botta: GIVE ME THE FAR-OUT TWINKIES!

Yuan: (knocks out Botta) (takes a Twinkie) What a HIPPIE.

Mithos: For once, I agree with you. (kicks a Twinkie)

Botta: NOOOOO!

Presea: ...I hope this story will not become too crazy.

Regal: Yes, we all hope that.

Lyall: Let me consult my real brother, then... (sigh)


	3. Chapter 3: Sing along DVDs

(Authoress Note)

Lyall: Konichiwa. O genki desu ka?

Zelos: What...? I don't speak Mizuhoan.

Sheena: She's saying hello and asking are if you are well.

Zelos: Yes, I'm fine, my hunny.

Lyall: (sweatdrop) Um...right. Anyway, Icion will be back shortly, I presume.

Drake: I think I see him coming.

Lloyd: Aw man...

Icion: HI GUYS, I'M BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL!

Everyone: Damnit.

Mithos: GODDAMN!

Icion: Hey, Sheena, what's your bra size?

Sheena: WHAT THE HELL? (pounds living daylights out of Icion)

Anna: Is it because of Icion that Lloyd turned out stupid?

Lloyd: Mother... (crying)

Kadaj: Did someone say "Mother"?

Cloud: Get the hell over here. I'm not done beating the shit out of you. (drags Kadaj away)

Ed: (appears with chainsaw)

Dom: Ed, don't kill innocent people.

Ed: Oh, c'mon, they're asking for it!

Dom: Ed... (exasperated)

Largo: Yo, dudes. The undead are swarming Tokyo again.

Ed/Dom: (both leave)

Lyall: ...Wow. OK, Drake, the disclaimer.

Drake: ...Huh? Oh, right, right. LyallAurion does not own Tales of Symphonia. Namco does. She also does not own Naruto, Megatokyo, FF VII, and other cameos that have appeared.

---''---

Lloyd and Genis barely made it to Iselia. They severely needed medical attention, but no one was in the village. Remember, Botta shot them all out of love for Twinkies and disregard to his health.

PUBLIC COMMERCIAL: Never eat too many sweets, or you will get sick and die like Vidarr.

Just then, Lloyd and Genis hear voices in Colette's house. They slowly and painfully crawled over there. There was a lot of commotion, including cursing, yelling, and shattering.

"YOU DAMN BASTARD BITCH OF A CHOSEN! I'D KILL YOU IF I WASN'T PAID SO WELL!" Kratos yelled in fury at the dumbass blonde and threw the window pane at her.

The window pane hit Colette on the head. "I thought you loved meee!" Colette said in tears and had a head that had blood gushing out.

"What am I, gay?" Kratos replied.

"YOU'RE SOOO MEAN! MEANIE!" Colette cried.

"WHO GIVES A DAMN CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK?" Kratos yelled yet again.

"I'M LEAVING!" Colette yelled and ran outside. She slammed the door. She then saw Lloyd and Genis, wounded. On the floor. Practically begging for help. Colette was too stupid and dense to notice the very obvious cuts and bruises and blood stains on the two boys. Strangely, Colette's head wasn't bleeding anymore. Damn.

"Oh, hiya, guys!" Colette said cheerfully. "You seem healthy."

"**THIS** LOOKS HEALTHY?" Genis screamed, pointing to the cuts on him.

"What were you screaming about in your house?" Lloyd inquired.

"Oh...that. Well, my daddy said that Professor Raine and Kratos are going to come with me on the regeneration journey. I then said 'Okies', and then Kratos got all mad and was yelling and stuffs," Colette explained. "Now I have forever vengeance against that redhead bastard. Yay!"

"Yeah yeah, JUST HEAL US FOR MARTEL'S SAKE!" Genis yelled.

"Oopsie. I don't have any healing items," Colette said sadly (not). She was actually secretly snickering.

"THEN WHAT'S THAT?" Lloyd yelled at Colette, pointing to some Gels that Colette was holding.

"Uh...TURTLE POOP!"

"YEAH RIGHT!"

She then watched Lloyd and Genis die of blood loss.

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Colette laughed evilly.

Kratos came out and then stared in utter horror. "BITCH, WHAT THE FREAKING HELL DID YOU DO TO MY SON? BESIDES MY WIFE, HE WAS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON I **ACTUALLY** LIKED! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO TO YOU NOW? MWAHAHAHAHA!" Kratos yelled (and laughed maniacally).

All of a sudden, Lyon came with a gun.

"DIE, BITCH!" he screamed at Colette and repeatedly shot her with his gun. Colette died and luckily forgot about what Kratos said earlier. Then Lyon tossed her corpse into the nearby well and ran off into the woods.

"I'M SEXY, BITCH!" he screamed. Then Kratos heard a chainsaw and more of Lyon's yelling.

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN, ZOMBIE GRANNY!"

Largo appeared with a crossbow and ran into the forest.

"DIE, UNDEAD!" he hollered. A few gunshots and crossbow arrows later, the chainsaw-wielding zombie granny died, and Lyon and Largo then disappeared.

Kratos went back inside.

A female Clavat appeared out of the blue and used a Phoenix Down on each Lloyd, Genis, and Colette, thus restoring their life. Why Colette...?

"Yay, I'm alive! Woot!" Lloyd cheered.

"Yay!" cheered Genis.

"Squee!" cried Colette.

"Eww," Lloyd and Genis said in unison.

"Oh yeah, because I'm a bitch, you guys have to give me birthday presents. GIMME THE PRESENTS!" Colette said, then yelled.

"Uh, here's some cookies that are full of sugar so you can die--uh, I mean, here, Colette," Genis said and handed Colette a packet of cookies that had twelve times the lethal dose of sugar.

"YAY! LLOYD, GIMME!" Colette screamed.

"Uh...I...uh...erm...NOISHE ATE IT!" Lloyd said in a pathetic attempt to lie.

"Oh...THEN YOU BETTER GIVE IT TO ME LATER TODAY OR YOU'LL BE WALKIN' FUNNY FOR MONTHS, BUB! AND I'LL COME LATER TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE IT!" Colette yelled. She then went back inside her house.

"Before I see her again, I'm gonna go home," Lloyd stated.

"LEMME GO WITH YOU, YOU ASS!" Genis yelled in Lloyd's face.

"FINE!" Lloyd yelled back.

"OK, first I need to go to my house to pick up stuffs," Genis said.

"Why?"

"Just because."

"Fine. Jeez."

Lloyd and Genis went to Genis's house. Genis went inside and took some stuff from a drawer.

"What are you getting?" asked Lloyd.

"Meh, you know, this and that." By "this and that", Genis meant special weaponry in case Raine decided to beat them. Again. He also got some food stuffs and something else.

"Hey, what's that?" Lloyd asked while pointing to the "something else."

"Erm, nothing! Just paper! Hehe...," Genis quickly said. "Lloyd, uh, why don't you wait outside?"

"Meh, fine."

Lloyd went outside. Genis then took out the "something else."

"Oh, Barney and Teletubbies sing-along DVDs, I will never forget you!" Genis said then stashed his prized DVDs in his knapsack. He also put the food, gels, bottles, pepper spray, Ghost-B-Gone, special things in case Raine showed up and beat them, pencils, paper, pens, crayons, markers, and a portable DVD player in the knapsack. He then went outside.

Lloyd was fishing in the little pond outside Genis's house.

"Uh, Lloyd, there's no fish in there," Genis said dully to Lloyd.

"No, then how'd I catch THIS?" said Lloyd, holding a Huchep.

Then the main character girl from Harvest Moon: Another Wonderful Life appeared.

"YOU TOOK MY FISH! THIEF!" she screamed and hit Lloyd with a hoe, then ran away. Lloyd got a huge bump on his head.

"Oww..."

"...Anyway, we need to go, Lloyd."

"Oww..."

Genis dragged Lloyd away using chopsticks. At the village entrance, there was a green and white doggy with big ears, also known as Noishe.

"Heya, Noishe!" greeted Lloyd. "TIME TO BE A DONKEY!"

Noishe whined in a scared tone. Apparently he didn't want to be a donkey.

"Shaddup!" Lloyd jumped on Noishe and dragged Genis up, too. Then they headed to the Iselia Forest.

Meanwhile in Iselia, Kratos, Raine, and Colette were done with their conversation and went somewhere else. Now there was no one to witness the upcoming event.

The mutant bird mentioned earlier in the series then randomly appeared. It started squacking and acting all freaky and stuff. Icion then appeared and pounded the bird to dust with his head.

"NOW YOU'RE FERTILIZER!" Icion screamed.

The main character guy from Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life appeared.

"Hey, I need fertilizer..."

"GO BACK TO KISSING YOUR COWS, BUB!" Icion shouted.

"Jeez, you have issues...," the guy muttered.

"Do you know how it feels to have a sword wiggling in your stomach, cutting every vital organ in half?"

"Uh, no."

"YOU'RE GONNA IF YOU DON'T LEAVE!"

"Sheesh..." The guy disappeared randomly, as cameos usually do.

Icion then started foaming and used a warp to go back to Niflheim.

Meanwhile, in the closed Martel Temple...

"Hello? Is anyone there? I'm getting hungry...," Frank whined. "It's getting dark...I hear something..."

---''---

Lyall: ...Erm, that really wasn't funny. Sorry.

Icion: It bites...MY ASS!

Genis: Ah, shaddup.

Icion: I'M TELLING MOTHER!

Kadaj: Hi.

Cloud: God, just stop doing this. (drags Kadaj away)

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

Drake: Hey, I found this girl who looks like a girl in one of my manga. (gets Zefie)

Zefie: ...

Lloyd: Hey, little gi--

Zefie: TASTE MY FIST! (punches Lloyd with boxing gloves)

Lloyd: (crippled on the ground)

Raine: (healing Lloyd)

Colette: She's so cute!

Sheena: Yeah, but she has issues. (gets punched by Zefie)

Raine: Oh Martel... (now healing Sheena)

Rodyle: I SHALL USE HER TO POWER MY MANA CANNON!

Zelos: Yo, dude, you're supposed to be somewhere else. Or dead.

Rodyle: Oh, but I'm done with my base.

Director guy: Get lost, Rodyle.

Rodyle: Fine. (leaves)

Lyall: OK, uh, if you review, you get to play Pin the Tail on Noishe.

Noishe: (whining in fear)

Anna: You're gonna use Noishe?

Icion: Nah, it's called Smack the Donkey a.k.a. Noishe With a Metal Bat While He's Tied Up Dangling and Then You Kill Him. We'll use Lloyd next!

Noishe/Lloyd: (run away)

Lyall: ...How about they just get an apple?

Kratos: That's less drastic. (staring at Icion with a weird expression)


	4. Chapter 4: Wrinkly Prunes

(Authoress Note)

Lyall: Hi people. This is the fourth chapter so far. Amazing. (bored)

Icion: (yawn)

Drake: ...Icion, stop drooling on She-- (Sheena beats the crap out of Icion)

Sheena: AND STAY DEAD! (very mad) (leaves to clean clothes)

Zelos: Allow me to help yo-- (gets hit in the head with a pair of scissors) (blood gushing out of head) (twitching)

Drake: So, is that why you have red hair?

Raine: (sigh) First Aid! (heals Zelos)

Zelos: Why thank you, my beautiful hunny!

Raine: ...

Icion: (wakes up in pain) MOTHER FUCK!

Kadaj: Hi.

Genis: Are you gonna keep doing that whenever someone says "Mother"?

Kadaj: Duh. (punches Genis into brick wall)

Genis: Oww... (loses consciousness)

Raine: Oh no! (takes Genis to doctor)

Lyall: Uh, Kadaj, go back to FF VII.

Kadaj: Where's Mother?

Kratos: (kicks Kadaj into anthill) Idiot.

Kadaj: (in a fight with Kratos)

Lyall: ...OK, we need to get that weirdo outta here.

Icion: Hey, hey, I found dudes! (drags Dom and Ed)

Dom: (takes out gun)

Ed: (takes out electric chainsaw)

Dom/Ed: (mauling Icion)

Largo: Y0, D0M, 3D, 7H47 15 50 F5K1N9 K00L. W3 N33D 2 G37 B4K B3(4U53 Z0M8135 4R3 G0NN4 R35P4WN 500N.

Dom: Fine. Let's go, Ed.

Ed: Damn... HOLY SHIT! (gets mauled by girls)

Dom/Ed/Largo: (leave)

Icion: (puts newly acquired bomb on head)

Lloyd: Er, where did you get that?

Icion: From this green dude.

Link: Hey, gimme my bomb back! You're gonna hurt yourself!

Icion: (lights bomb)

Link: ...Everyone, step back.

Everyone: (steps back)

Icion: MWAHAHAHA!

Lyall: DRAKE, DISCLAIMER QUICK!

Drake: LyallAurion does not own ToS. Now we have to-- (Icion explodes) Er, never mind.

Link: NOOOO, MY PRECIOUS BOMBS! NOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KILL KING DODONGO AND DESTROY THE SLAB OUTSIDE JABUN'S CAVE?

---''---

OK, Lloyd and Smarty-Pants went to the Iselia Forest blah blah blah. This place is really boring.

"Lloyd, drop me off at the Human Ranch, OK?" Genis asked stupidly.

"Sure, Genis!" Lloyd answered cheerfully, too stupid that he forgot that they weren't supposed to go there. Who cares?

Anyway, they fought enemies, got stuff out of treasure chests, and Lloyd died once. Big deal. Anyway, they reached the Save Point.

"Ooh, shiny...," Lloyd said, mesemerized by the Save Point's shiny light. He started approaching it.

"OK, Lloyd, I have to now risk my life to give an old hag some food for community service," Genis announced and started to leave, but he heard Lloyd scream in horror, pain, and want of chicken legs.

OK, backing up a bit, when Lloyd was really close to the Save Point, Kalle Demos appeared and ate Lloyd. Lloyd then started yelling, but died. Again. Twice in this evil forest. WHY MUST THE GOOD SUFFER! (cough) Sorry.

Back to the story, Genis saved Lloyd by imitating a chicken leg, making Kalle Demos barf out Lloyd out of disgust because he was allergic to chicken legs and would have unimaginably large, itchy, hairy pimples break out. Kalle Demos then went back to the Forbidden Woods, in hopes to eat a Korok named Makar and later get killed by a boy named Link.

Back to the storyline. OK, Beavis and Butthead (a.k.a. Lloyd and Genis...or the other way around, if you want) went to the Iselia Human Ranch, holding hands and skipping like schoolgirls.

"Lloyd, we're going over to that place, see?" Genis said, pointing to where Marble was.

"EWW, IS THAT A PRUNE?" Lloyd gasped in absolute horror.

"NO, IT'S MARBLE!" Genis yelled.

"Last time I checked, marbles weren't wrinkly and smelly," Lloyd said in a smart fashion and suddenly was wearing glasses and a professor outfit.

"LLOYD, DON'T MAKE ME TURN YOU IN!" Genis hollered.

"Fine, so we give the (coughcoughprunecoughcough) some food, right?" Lloyd was back in his normal clothes.

"That's the plan!"

How the ranch guards did not hear Lloyd and Genis is beyond me. Anyway, they went over to Marble. Marble (a.k.a. the Prune to Lloyd) and Genis were now talking about the oracle and the Tower of Salvation. Lloyd was busy picking his nose when all of a sudden he saw Marble's Exsphere.

"Hey, is that an Exsphere without a Key Crest? That can be da--err, you'll be fine," Lloyd said hastily and looked away. "Heh, poor granny," he snickered under his breath.

"See, Marble, you'll be fine," Genis said happily.

"Are you sure? I feel my mana being sucked into this rock," Marble said worriedly.

"I feel so bad for that Exsphere. It has to be attached to a prune...," Lloyd grimaced. Apparently, he felt more sorry for a rock than a person, though Exspheres aren't really rocks. That's besides the point.

"Hey, jackass, get over here!" a random Desian guy yelled at Marble.

"Oh no! Lloyd, Genis, run!" Marble warned.

"Oh come on, how tough can--" Lloyd started but Genis dragged him behind bushes.

They watched as the Desian people took Marble behind a corner.

"Shit, we can't see!" Lloyd said.

"Let's try to go to higher ground, then," Genis replied.

"OK, you're the donkey!" Lloyd yelled and jumped on Genis's shoulders.

Poor Genis had to carry Lloyd all the way up that cliff, getting an Orange Gel along the way. At the top of the cliff, Genis's spine broke and he died of internal bleeding. Lloyd then moaned and reluctantly used a Life Bottle. Genis then nearly throttled Lloyd. Those two then calmed down and watched in horror (or amusement, in Lloyd's case) as the Desians started whipping Marble with...well, whips.

"How horrible!" Genis gasped.

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Lloyd cackled, exactly like Kratos last chapter. Like father, like son, as the saying goes.

"Lloyd! We have to save her, you dumbass, or the story won't go properly!"

"Fine, but the authoress COULD just make a new plot...," Lloyd whined.

No, I'm not doing that. You're gonna save Marble, Lloyd, whether you like it or not. Besides, I'm gonna screw up the plot anyway later.

"HEY!"

Hey, you're not supposed to hear me!

"Uh, we can," Genis said boredly. "Can we hurry up?"

Oops. (cough) OK, Lloyd and Genis then thought up of that idea (I'm too lazy to type it out). Before they could carry out their plan, Lloyd chucked Genis and his swords at the Desians. One Desian died because one of the swords pierced his heart, Genis's weight killed the other, and the other sword killed a random bystander. That other one Desian died of stroke. How lucky.

Genis now had a very painful headache. Lloyd jumped down and went all ninja and used Genis as a human shield to fend off of the Desian reinforcements. After Lloyd got bored of being all ninja and Genis was dead, Forcystus arrived. Genis then magically got resurrected by Aerith. Lloyd then got his swords back and went into a fighting stance. Genis was a few meters behind Lloyd, kendama at the ready.

"Hey, you two are invading my ranch!" Forcystus yelled.

"Ah, shaddup!" Lloyd shot back.

"You two broke the alliance treaty! How could you?"

"Who cares? Everyone in Iselia is dead!"

"Sweet! Now I get more vacation time!" Forcystus exclaimed. "OK, I'll save killing you chumps if you give me a box of Twinkies."

Lloyd and Genis got sweatdrops.

"...Why...?" Genis asked.

"Um, well...you see...Botta has been sending me threat letters if I don't give him the monthly amount of Twinkies, and...erm, I don't have some for this month," Forcystus said in a dorky manner while twiddling his thumbs.

"Fine," Lloyd said and tossed the magical box of Twinkies to Forcystus.

"Thanks! Now scram or I'll get to test my new gun."

Lloyd and Genis got out of the ranch, and Genis went elsewhere. I dunno, I just remember that Lloyd is alone at this point. I think. Meh, who cares?

Lloyd just fought stuff and got stuff. He eventually reached Dirk's House.

---''---

Lyall: That sucked because my brain's mush, and my brother didn't help much, so this is mostly my horrible way of presenting "funny". Oh yeah, next chapter is how I make Dirk ruin the rest of the plot! Woot!

Lloyd: I'm such a dork in this story...

Genis: That's not new. (gets hit) Ow!

Lloyd: Shut it, Genis.

Icion: Yeah, Genis, _shut it_.

Genis: Icion, you know what? ATLAS!

Icion: (gets hit by Atlas) (unconscious)

Sheena: Good job, Genis!

Zelos: Yes, the brat finally does something useful.

Genis: HEY!

Mithos: I'm not a femboy!

Lloyd: Riiiight, sure you aren't...as if.

Mithos: GRR...INDIGNATE JUDGMENT!

Lloyd: (unconscious)

Kratos: (beats the stuffing out of Mithos)

Martel: OMG, MITHOS! (makes sure that Mithos is okay)

Lyall: ...Anyway, whoever reviews gets popsicles in five different flavors and in the shapes of Kratos, Yuan, Mithos, Martel, and Noishe.

Drake: Cool. (takes one)

Lyall: Oh yes, now you guys can request cameos as either you appearing or some other person from another place. I may not know the characters, so you may have to tell me a scenario in which to put them and what they say (if I don't know them). Sorry!


	5. Chapter 5: My dad the Desian

(Authoress Note)

Lyall: OK, this is where my brother and I screw up the plot. Starting from this point, the story won't be exactly the same as displayed in the game. PWNAGE! Oh ya, since I didn't want to wait forever for people to request stuff, I just did this story with The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker stuff in it, since someone wanted it.

Icion: When do I make my guest appearance?

Lyall: Hmm...after Lloyd kills--um, the readers shouldn't know that yet. Heheh. Well, somewhere in Tethe'alla.

Icion: Really? I'm bored. I wish Lloyd would kill Alte--err...I LIKE POOP! (runs off)

Lyall: Gee, thanks for ruining the surprise...

Kratos: That is why you shouldn't tell secrets to Icion.

Zelos: Hey, where's Sheena?

Sheena: (arrives)

Zelos: Ooh, Sheena, lookin' hot!

Sheena: (kicks Zelos in the shin)

Zelos: OW! (in pain)

Lyall: OK, now I need Drake to do the very boring disclaimer.

Drake: Uh, wha? Huh? Oh yeah, the disclaiming...thing. Um, eh, how did it go again...? Oh yeah. LyallAurion does not own Tales of Symphonia.

---''---

"DAD, I'M HOME!" Lloyd yelled in a overly loud and obnoxious voice.

Dirk then had an evil look in his eyes. "Dad! I'm not your dad! I'm working with the Desians to earn extra Gald! I'm gonna kill you!" With that said, Dirk got out boxing gloves that randomly appeared in thin air and then tried to kill Lloyd by punching him into the spikes lining the walls. When did Dirk get his house carpented I do not know. Last time I checked, he didn't have spikes.

"AAAH!" Lloyd screamed as he narrowly dodged a punch. "WHY YOU TRYIN' TO HIT ME?" Lloyd then ran outside like the wuss he is.

When he went outside, he saw Colette, Genis, Raine, Kratos, and a Dark ChuChu that was bug-eyed and just stood there, looking at Genis's shoes with a very blank and spacey look.

"Uhh, I guess you guys heard that," Lloyd said.

"Yep! Your foster dad is an evil Desian trying to kill you! Now you have no home and no one else that cares about you!" Colette said in a very happy voice.

"FUCK YOU!" Kratos screamed at Colette while flicking her off. Colette then started sobbing. Kratos was now on his last string of sanity, so he chucked Colette into the nearby river and Colette sank down to the bottom of the river. Gyorgs started to swim around her.

"Ooh! Hi, Mr. Fishy!" Colette greeted a Gyorg. It just got out a butcher knife.

Anyways...

"Don't worry, Lloyd! I care about you!" Genis said in a cheery tone.

"Eww, you're gay! GET AWAY!" Lloyd yelled and got out a flamethrower. He then started torching anything in a five-meter radius. "STAY AWAY!" Lloyd's right eye was twitching and he was suddenly in a caveman outfit.

"Martel, why have you left me with these abhorrent, deranged simpletons...?" Kratos lamented to the heavens. Poor Kratty. Eww, I hate the nickname "Kratty". (cough)

All of a sudden, the roof of Dirk's house opened and Dirk flew out, wearing a Superman cape and in a flying pose. There was also some of that superhero background music playing.

"OMGAFLYINGDWARFTHISHASNEVERBEENDOCUMENTEDMUSTSTUDY!" Raine screeched.

"Uhh, what in the name of all that is good and chewy is THAT?" Genis said while pointing to the Dark ChuChu. For some reason, it was now wearing a top hat. As you know, in the Wind Waker, Dark ChuChus hate light. It was very sunny this day. Hmm, maybe a record. Meh, I dunno. Now, back to this story-thing. Oh yeah, Lloyd has normal clothes now.

Genis then tried to hit the oh-so-blobby blob with his kendama, but the thing just regenerated itself.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?" Genis cried.

"MUST STUDY!" Raine yelled in a maniacal voice (with twitching, red eyes attached) and tried to grab the ChuChu. Before she could touch it, the ChuChu slinked into the dark shadows of some trees in a very creepy manner, so you could only see its glowing, still bug-eyed eyes.

"Let's play tag...and I'M it...," the Dark ChuChu said very creepily and then was holding a machete that was stained with blood. It then sunk into the ground and poofed. Everyone was staring freakishly (even Kratos! GASP!) at where it used to stand.

"Aaaanyway...Lloyd, can we go to the terrace?" Colette asked.

"Nah, not feelin' it...," Lloyd yawned.

Colette's head tilted down and her eyes started glowing red. She then whipped out the machete that the ChuChu had earlier.

"OH FINE SHEESH! Can I talk to everyone else first...?" Lloyd whimpered.

"Okay!" Colette said and went to sit on a bench.

Lloyd took his pulse and pinched himself, then headed over to Genis.

"Hey, Lloyd, c'mere!" Genis yelled.

"Meh, fine, hold your horses."

Lloyd went over.

"See, Mr. Leaf, this is Lloyd," Genis said while twitching slightly.

Lloyd got a "...".

"Mr. Brick, this is Lloyd," Genis said in a very squeaky and creepy voice, while twitching madly.

"Genis, do you have Parkinson's disease...or something?" Lloyd asked while inching away. Yes, Lloyd is smart enough to know that Genis was about to break.

Genis screamed evilly and got lit on fire. The fire was so great that Lloyd had to shield his eyes. When the fire died down, Genis was no longer there. There even wasn't any ashes. Lloyd screamed like a little priss and ran to Raine. Her back was facing him.

"PROFESSOR, GENIS JUST--!" Lloyd started, but Raine slowly turned to face him. Her eye was twitching.

"Erm, Professor...?" Lloyd squeaked.

"Need...happy place...," Raine said in a very creepy way (lots of creepy here). Raine's whole body then turned strikingly white. She then fell to the ground and slowly materialized into nothingness. Lloyd screamed at the top of his lungs and ran to Kratos. Colette, being the dumb blonde she is, was too busy naming her toes to notice the craziness. Hell, I think she shut off her ears, too, if that's possible.

"KRATOSKRATOSYOU'RETHEONLYSANEONELEFT!" Lloyd sobbed behind Kratos and fell to his knees and hands.

"Get a grip, you dumbass," Kratos calmly told Lloyd.

"OK." Wow, Lloyd recuperated fast.

"Hmm, is Anna your mother?" Kratos asked.

"Ya," Lloyd answered.

"...Then who is your father?"

"Well, I don't think he's alive. Heh, if he was, he'd look like he was tossed into washer for seven months."

Kratos then twitched madly. 'Oh why you little ingrate...' Kratos then got a hold of himself and calmed down. "Shouldn't you meet the Chosen?"

Lloyd got a disgusted look. "Oh Martel, NO! She's as smart as a retarded chipmunk!" Lloyd then went to meet Colette. Smart, Lloyd, smart...

Anyway, Lloyd and the dumb blonde went up to the terrace. Yes, I really do hate Colette. I hate her as much as I hate spiders... (shudders)

Back to Lloyd and Colette.

"Hey, Lloyd, wanna come with me on the journey?" Colette asked sweetly, possibly seductively. Wait, I don't think she's capable of that high level of thinking. (cough) Sorry.

"Eww, if you're there, no!" Lloyd said, horrified.

"OK, we'll be leaving at 9 a.m. sharp!" Colette chirped.

"All right!" Lloyd yelled and punched the air. Wow, he forgot already. Yes, he is an idiot, isn't he?

"Oh yeah, since I'm a dumb blonde and a bitch, WHERE'S MY PRESENT?" Colette yelled.

"Um, well, I didn't...finish...it," Lloyd admitted, aware of an upcoming beating.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Colette screamed and side-kicked Lloyd off of the terrace.

Lloyd went unconscious when he hit his head on the ground.

Kratos then jumped up to Colette and started screaming in her face.

"YOU BITCH! YOU JUST KICKED MY SON OFF OF A LEDGE **AND** CALLED MY WIFE A BITCH!"

Kratos then got one of Colette's feet.

"You seem very fond of your toes, very **_attached_** to them," Kratos said with an evil smirk. He then...(gasp) ripped off Colette's left big toe. No blood came out because she is a bimbo. Yes, Sasuke says this to Zaku. Yep, I borrowed that phrase. Yep, I just changed "arms" to "toes". Yep yep.

"OH NO, BOBBY!" Colette screamed.

Kratos then stomped on Colette's other big toe, breaking it.

"NOT ANDREAAAA!" Colette cried.

Kratos then smacked her off the terrace because stupid was leaking out of Colette. Kratos then shuddered at the sight of the stupid.

Colette fell with a thud. Raine randomly walked out from behind a bush.

"Professor, please help!" Colette begged.

"WHY THE HELL SHOULD I? THAT'D BE WASTING MANA! YOU'LL BE FINE, IT'LL REGROW!" Raine yelled at Colette. She did heal the broken toe, though.

Yes, now that toe is gonna be the reason that Colette trips. Heheheheh...MWAHAHAHA! (being maniacal) (cough) I'm really sorry. (bows)

Now Kratos, Colette, and the overreactive half-elf left, and Lloyd eventually regained consciousness and went inside the house. Remember, Dirk flew the coop. Literally.

---''---

Lyall: Sorry, that stunk. Well, in my opinion. OF COURSE IT SUCKS, SO SHUT UP!

Everyone: (backs off)

Lyall: (cough) Sorry. I'm just irritated at Icion.

Icion: (doodling on walls)

Lloyd: Hey, I fall off of the terrace? That's not nice...

Colette: So? I get a toe ripped off! That's mean.

Kratos: And I'm a total nuthead.

Genis: So? I get caught on fire!

Raine: At least you don't turn pale and disappear.

Lyall: As you can see, the characters are complaining, and I forgot about cameos pretty early. Oops.

Mithos: MWAHAHAHAHA!

Yuan: Stop that, Mithos.

Mithos: Ah, shaddup, blueberry head.

Yuan: ...Blueberry head. How creative. It must have taken you forever to think of _that_. (sarcastic)

Mithos: DON'T YOU BE SARCASTIC WITH ME, DOOFUS!

Anna: Mithos, who teaches you manners?

Mithos: ...My sis.

Anna: Then she should do a better job.

Martel: Hey, it's not my fault, you know. I'm the good one!

Mithos: Sis...! (crying)

Zelos: Nyaha.

Drake: Um, "nyaha"?

Zelos: Drake, you ruined it. Good going, puffball.

Drake: Hey, back off.

Lyall: (cough) Anyway, you can still request cameos and stuff. Whoever reviews will get a very chocolatey cookie.

Icion: ME WANT COOKIE!

Regal: You already eat too much sugar. No.

Icion: But, I'm as skinny as a stick.

Presea: ...True.

Genis: ...I break sticks. (gets evil eyes)


	6. Chapter 6: Desianville

Lyall: OK, no cameos this story. I just want to get the story on with it. I hope you all are OK with it.

Lloyd: WOOT, STORY!

Colette: Yay!

Zelos: I'm pretty!

Everyone: (stares)

Zelos: But it's true!

Icion: If Zelos is pretty, then Lloyd's gorgeous.

Lloyd: WTF?

Zelos: Are you calling me ugly?

Icion: Well...uh...I'll have to dumb it down for you to understand. Y o u-n o-l o o k y-g o o d y.

Zelos: That's harsh, Icion...

Sheena: Well, you'll get over it. As usual.

Zelos: Sheeeeenaaaaa...

Sheena: ...

Colette: I like doggies!

Everyone: (sweatdrop)

Lyall: OK, disclaimer.

Drake: Um...it went like...uh...four score and...

Lyall: NO, NOT THAT! THE OTHER THING!

Drake: Oh, oh, right. Shall I compare thee to a summer's da--

Lyall: DRAKE YOU TURD! (throws chair)

Drake: Ow.

Lyall: Disclaimer time! Finally... OK, LyallAurion does not own Tales of Symphonia. Namco does.

Drake: I remember! LyallAurion does not own Tales of Symphonia. Namco does.

Lyall: ...Copying bastard...

---''---

OK, now it was 9 a.m. The birds were chirping. The owls were sleeping. Lloyd just got out of bed. What a lazy bum.

(knock) (knock) (knock) Someone was knocking on the door. Lloyd sleepily went to the door. He saw Genis.

"Yo Genis, sup? OK, if you want to make-out, wait till I'm done dressing and stuff."

Genis looked horrified. "WHAT THE HELL? Lloyd...you dumbass...look, I'm here to tell you that COLETTE ALREADY LEFT!"

Lloyd looked surprised. No, no, he WAS surprised. "WHAT? SHE SAID THAT SHE'D BE LEAVING AT NINE!"

"YOU SHOULD'VE KNOWN THAT COLETTE GETS HER SIXES AND NINES MIXED UP! SHE'S A DUMB BLONDE! IDIOT! C'MON, WE HAVE TO LEAVE NOW! Oh yeah, even if she meant 9 a.m., you'd still be late," Genis said.

"Oh, now I get it, Genis! You just want to sweet-talk me into kissing! Don't worry, I'm a _real_ smooth kisser," Lloyd said drunk.

Genis got ticked off. "Lloyd, are you on drugs?"

"NO ONE WILL TAKE MY DRUGS AWAY FROM MEEEE!" Lloyd screamed and shut the door. Two seconds later, he jumped out of the chimney, fully-clothed. He then landed on the ground.

"OK, Genis, let's go!" Lloyd said cheerfully. For some reason, he's not drunk and gay anymore. Whew... (relieved)

"Where's Noishe?" Genis asked.

"Meh, he ran off late last night after I _pretended_ to hit him with my sledgehammer. Like I care," Lloyd responded.

Now those two went through the Iselia Forest Noishe-less, so it took a long time. Five days to be exact. OK, fine three. One. A few minutes. It took a short amount of time because Lloyd got Genis and jumped most of the cliffs. It would've taken only a few seconds with Noishe because Noishe got nanotechnology and jet boosters in his feet. What a cool protozoan a.k.a. dog a.k.a. donkey a.k.a. bird/plane/coconut thing.

On the way to Iselia, Lloyd heard Genis talking.

"Hey Genis, what are you talking to?" Lloyd asked.

"Mr. Leaf and Mr. Brick," Genis responded while hugging his play toys.

"DUDE HOW LONELY ARE YOU?" Lloyd exclaimed. "Here's that plush toy I stole from you." Lloyd handed over a Big Bird body pillow.

"BIG BIRD! I THOUGHT YOU LEFT MEEE!" Genis cried and hugged the body pillow.

OK, now at Iselia. More precisely, Colette's house.

"DID COLETTE ACTUALLY LEAVE ALREADY?" Lloyd shouted out. No one was in the house, though.

"Where is Frank?" Genis asked. He then spotted a note card on the table. It read:

_To whomever is reading this:_

_I am at the Martel Temple to look around. If I am not back, please look for me. I may already be dead. If I am dead, this is my will: Please burn my daughter alive. If she's dead already, draw happy faces on my underwear and hang them in the mayor's house. Thank you whoever is reading this._

_Frank Brunel_, _father of a bitch_

"Well then, guess we have to go look in the Martel Temple," Lloyd suggested.

"Yeah. I hope Frank's alive," Genis said concerned.

Lloyd and Genis then went to the Martel Temple. They saw Frank crippled on the ground, in shock.

"Dude, are you okay?" Genis said while shaking Frank.

"Dude, that dude has like been here for like the past one or two days, dude," Remiel said while randomly appearing out of nowhere. "Dude, get him out like now, dudes! He's been here for like too long, dudes. He like almost ruined my rad party, dudes. And it was the Cruxis people who like came, dude. Now I like have an uncool pay deduction, dude."

"Fine, fine, we'll take Frank," Lloyd sighed.

"Coolio. Later gnarly dudes!" Remiel said and poofed.

Now Remiel went to the Temple of Fire, and Lloyd and Genis dragged the anemic Frank all the way back to his house. THIS IS CHILD LABOR! I DEMAND A PROTEST! (cough) Anyways...

Once they got to Frank's house, Frank all of a sudden got better.

"Lloyd, Genis, Colette already left on her journey of stupidity," Frank said. He was supposed to inform them of that, but Genis already did that.

"Yeah, yeah, we know!" Lloyd yelled.

"Well...if you're lucky, you have a 1 out of 100,000,000 chance of catching up with her!" Frank said happily.

"Well, let's go, then!" Genis exclaimed.

"Wait! Colette left Lloyd with a letter," Frank said.

"OH, AND SHE DOESN'T GIVE ME A LETTER? WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE MEEEE?" Genis cried while rolling up into a ball on the floor.

Lloyd and Frank got "..."

Lloyd then opened the letter. It said:

_Dear Lloyd and any other rats that may be accompaning you,_

_I have already left, but my jackass father probably told you already. Why didn't you come? I told you the right time! I HATE YOU! I'd rather be friends with Genis...wait, what am I saying? Look, your stupidness is rubbing off on pretty little me! Try to catch me if you're really that stupid. Well...I just want to make this letter seem longer than it really is, so...HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPY! HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI! BLAH! MEEP! SQUEE! FLARP! WHEE! WAHOO! LOOPLE-DOO! KOOLOH-LIMPAH! BUB! YIPPIDY-DO-DAH! YIPPEE! HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR! HAPPY HALLOWEEN! BRAN FLAKES! JOY! BUTTERFLY! SBREE! SQUEAK! YELP! BUTTER! PEACH! BLUEBERRY! APPLE! ORANGE! GRAPE! DOGGY! PUPPY! DOG! WEINER DOG! PUP! KITTY! CAT! MEOW! ARF! WOOF! BARK! GROWL! ROAR! MOO! QUACK! HONK! BUNNY! RABBIT! SHINY! BRIGHT! PINK! WEEMASHMITS! OINK! SMACKLEDORF! YAY! WOOT! HUZZAH! MONEY! BIRDIE! CHEEP! SQUACK! BOO!_

_Love, Colette_

"What is this? More than half of this trash is stupid words!" Lloyd screamed and ate the letter.

"Meh, some crap Colette slapped together at the last possible second," Frank answered.

"No fair, I wanted to eat it...," Genis complained.

Just then, they heard an earthquake outside. Lloyd and Genis quickly rushed outside. Wait, rushed means to go quickly...damn.

Anyways, the two saw the Desians making a bonfire out of the center of town. Some were also burning other houses.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Genis screamed.

"Gee, I dunno. Hmm, I don't know, maybe DESIANS ARE MAKING A BONFIRE," Lloyd said sarcastically.

"Uhh...uhh, I knew that!" Genis said and whacked Lloyd with a metal bar.

Then Lloyd and Genis saw a flag being raised. There was a picture of a Rabbid on the toilet on the flag. Ugh.

"Dude, what's THAT?" Lloyd said while pointing to the hideous Rabbid. (shudder) Oh the horror...

All of a sudden, a Desian came up to Lloyd and asked what was in his pocket. Lloyd took out the Fire Flower.

"Cool! We can use that to power our bonfire!" the Desian said excitedly.

"No! We need this...uh...thing! We need this thing for the future temples and stuff!"

"Hey, how did you know?" Genis asked.

"Hmm, I dunno. Ploooooothooooole...," Lloyd said.

Now the Fire Flower spoke.

"Lloyd, you are not that smart. I'm not even that smart."

All of a sudden, the Fire Flower's eyes started turning swirly.

"FEAR MY MIND CONTROL!" it yelled.

Nothing happened. The Desian then sat on a rock. Lloyd blinked. Genis yawned.

"It seems that you are immune to my mind control. ...This displeases me," the flower said.

"Hey, you two are not registered to be citizens of Desianville!" the Desian said.

"DESIANVILLE?" Lloyd and Genis both shouted.

"Lloyd, do you know what this means?" Genis screamed in Lloyd's face.

"I know! What a cheesy name," Lloyd said. Genis just stared at him.

"How do you manage to pass school...?"

"I dunno. Some magical fairy I think," Lloyd responded dumbly.

"You mean the voices in your head?"

"Yep!" Lloyd said stupidly.

"You two need to register to be a Desian! Or you get...," the Desian then did shifty eyes, "**"The Boot."**"

"What's this boot?" Lloyd asked.

The Desian shuddered. "Bad memories...so you gonna register or not?"

"HECK NO!" Genis yelled.

"OK, you get...THE BOOT!" another Desian that popped up said.

A giant, mechanical, iron boot appeared from nowhere in the heavens. It screamed hysterically, and then it chased Lloyd and Genis out of the once-happy village of Isela. In other words, Desianville. (cue evil background music)

Now Lloyd and Genis were trekking to the Triet Desert.

Meanwhile in I--er, Desianville...

"No, don't kill me!" Frank cried.

"Haha, too late! You didn't want to subscribe to Desian Playboy magazine! Now you will perish!" Forcystus announced.

Four Desians then picked up Frank.

"Hut hut hut!" they said and threw Frank into the bonfire. He died. The Desians had a party. The end.

---''---

Lyall: Woot, Frank died. (sarcastic) I really don't have anything against him.

Colette: My daddy died! And I'm mean. (pouts)

Zelos: Aw, don't worry, Colette! I'll help you feel better!

Icion: Gasp, Zelos, I thought you were after Sheena!

Zelos: ...Uh...

Drake: Yeah, Zelos. I thought you said that you tried peeking at Sheena once when she was taking a shower. How did you enter her house?

Zelos: ...Uhh...um...er...(sweating) I WILL NOT BE SILENCED! (disappears)

Everyone: ...

Kratos: No cameos next time, as there will be a filler.

Sheena: Which kind?

Lyall: Not telling HA!


	7. Chapter 7: Boring filler

Lyall: Filler time. This filler doesn't relate to Tales of Randomness in any way. Have a good time reading. This filler will include Icion (my brother) and me discussing our opinions on three Naruto genin in Konoha: Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke. This story will be mostly script format.

(WARNING: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS FROM THE ENGLISH ANIME/MANGA'S POINT OF VIEW. SOME THINGS MAY NOT MAKE SENSE.)

(Remember, LyallAurion is Lyall)

_Opinions on:_

_Naruto_

Lyall: Meh, he's kind of annoying, but good at heart. His dubbed English self is crap though, and his catch phrase is the most annoying thing ever in the whole anime! ...Well, except for Sakura and Ino...heheh. Naruto's awesome when he's 15, though. He's one of my favorite characters at that point. Not as annoying. Yay!

Icion: Well, first of all, Naruto's catchphrase is stupid. No, not stupid-stupid, like oh-hell-this-is-the-most-frickin-stupidest-thing-I've-heard stupid. Well, Naruto's hopes and dreams are pretty good. And I guess he does make a good role-model...sometimes. But honestly, Kyubi looks totally ugly. I think Shukaku looks better.

Lyall: We're not talking about Kyubi and Shukaku, smart one. (rolls eyes)

Icion: Oh yeah, have you ever noticed his striking resemblance to the fourth Hokage? It's like they're related...wait, I think they are.

_Sakura_

Lyall: Ugh, the most annoying, b----iest girl in Naruto! She gets on my nerves soooo bad! I wish she'd get killed on a mission or something! Sorry, Sakura fans. I hate Sakura almost as much as I hate Raine and Colette in Tales of Symphonia. Yeesh... Sakura is bratty, selfish, and totally ugly. She does shape up after the Forest of Death, so all's not lost.

Icion: Sakura is a prissy girl, but she's not totally bad. I don't know why she goes after Sasuke; he shuns her off all the time, and she still goes after him. She does show some improvment after she gets lessons from Tsunade. And after getting lessons from Tsunade, she seems like she might like Naruto more than Sasuke. Hinata's gonna get some competition.

Lyall: I agree with the Hinata thing.

Icion: You didn't say anything in your space, so pipe down!

Lyall: Hey, I'm the authoress here!

Icion: So what? I'm a storyline character!

Lyall: ... (zaps Icion with taser)

Icion: ... (sizzles)

_Sasuke_

Lyall: He is the cutest twelve-year old ever! He is **so** cute and cool! He is my favorite genin of all time! Well, some good personality traits are that he's smart, talented, and HOT! OK, never mind the last one. (laugh) I do think that he should loosen up, though. You can't live your whole life in solitude. I mean, have some friends for Pete's sake! Well, Naruto's his friend, so that's a good thing. Bad thing is that Sasuke goes psycho and leaves Konoha to find Orochimaru. My liking for Sasuke dropped as soon as I learned that. I've started liking him again, though. I also think that Sasuke should let go a bit on his "avenging" goal. I mean, he becomes so obsessed over it that he actually would go to Orochimaru! Sasuke even uses the curse mark! And he turns really ugly and weird.

Icion: Sasuke at first seems like a cold-hearted nimrod, but after you learn that Itachi wrecked his childhood, you might be able to understand why Sasuke is so bent on killing Itachi. Well, Itachi did have his reasons for killing off the Uchiha clan, but I'm not telling at the time. Sasuke's cool because he always hangs on to his goal at all times, but that can sometimes come in the way of the protection of his companions, so he's kind of selfish. Kind of. Well...actually, Sasuke should unravel, since after he kills Itachi (if), he'll need to carry on the Uchiha clan by marrying and soon having a child.

Lyall: (wagging finger) We're not going there. Actually, in real life, my brother has brought that up a few times. Kind of freaks me out every time. Haha.

---''---

LA: Well, there you have it, a sucky filler full of opinions and rambling. Yatta. Next time, back to the story (thankfully).

Lloyd: (asleep)

LA: Aww, he looks so cute... (splashes ice cold water on Lloyd)

Lloyd: AAAAAAAAAAAAHH! (screaming and rolling on the floor)

Anna: LLOYD, YOU MESS UP THE CARPET AND YOUR FATHER WILL CARVE OUT YOUR SPLEEN WITH HIS SWORD!

Lloyd: Yes, mother.

Kadaj: MWAHAHAHA! (kidnaps Anna)

Anna: (kicks Kadaj "down there")

Kadaj: (screams and turns into Sephiroth)

Sephiroth: You will pay, whore.

Anna: WHORE? (strangles Sephiroth)

Cloud: ...

Lloyd: All right! Go Mom! (eating popsicle)


End file.
